I teach at a nearby college from 9 to 12 on weekday mornings. After class, I leave school and head off to tutor my private students. On Wednesdays, I have a very short window of time to get from campus to my student’s house. As a concession to my tight schedule and the need to eat and drive at the same time, I have allowed myself the once-a-week treat of a drive-thru Egg McMuffin at the McDonald’s on my route. (Before the lectures start, let me assure you, my PMS days of jonesing for a monthly French fry fix are far behind me. These post-menopausal days the only other Mickey D’s item I can order in good conscience is the oatmeal—which is actually quite yummy and at least theoretically healthy, but which cannot be eaten while driving.)
Due to the antics of an out-of-control lunatic with no regard for traffic laws, grammar rules, or human life for that matter, my recent midweek McMuffin deteriorated from treat to trauma. First of all, the traffic flow of the parking lot is very clearly marked as one way. To enter the drive thru line, one must circle the building and queue up. One MAY NOT drive up the down staircase so to speak and cut into the drive-thru line, heading off those customers who are rounding the building as per the rule.
It was at this precise juncture that I encountered the lunatic. Just as I was about to take my rightful place as the next car in line, she came vroooming into the parking lot against the flow of traffic, her engine running hot enough to sear every Big Mac from here to Brazil. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, thinking perhaps she was fleeing the clutches of a tyrannical despot or possibly the casting director for a proposed The Real Housewives of Hazzard County. For her safety and that of the parking lot pedestrians, I waved frantically to warn her not to proceed in the wrong direction. She not only barreled on, she suddenly swerved so sharply to the right I thought her left tires would lift right off the ground. With this move she effectively cut in front of me in the drive-thru lane!
Before I had a chance to react to these heinous breaches of drive-thru protocol (besides slamming on my brakes, that is), she started blaring her horn at the white minivan ahead of her and then lowered her window to shout, “Move yer a**!”
The poor woman in the minivan hung her head out the window and asked with genuine bewilderment, “Where do you want me to go? I’m in line and there are two cars ahead of me.”
“Then me and him are gonna move yer a** for you!” the lunatic bellowed.
And that’s when I felt compelled to act. Drive against the flow of traffic and cut me off, fine, but I will not stand for grammatically incorrect ranting! If you’re going to curse someone out for absolutely no reason whatsoever, besides the fact that you are an irrational imbecile, then for crying out loud, get your subject and object pronouns straight! How far have standards fallen these days anyway?
As I hit the “down” button on my window, the nut job, without warning, pulled her car out of the line and gunned it onto the highway. The lady in the minivan and I just exchanged shoulder shrugs and head shakes.
Although the unexpectedly abrupt ending to this episode felt a little anticlimactic, it was probably better that my grammar showdown never materialized. If Mayor McCheese had come out to referee under the scorching midday sun, he surely would have suffered a messy meltdown. And then everyone in the drive-thru lane would have been blaring their horns at me—not at I—for delaying their orders while I scraped up His Honor’s sticky buns from the hot pavement.
Next Wednesday, I’m packing my lunch.
I have two problems with this post. The first is your erroneous belief that oatmeal cannot be eaten in the car. I used to do it every morning for a year, until I got so damn sick of oatmeal. Perhaps my driving was not so good, but I always made it to my destination alive. My second issue is that you did not tell me about this incident sooner. I would have loved to help you high-speed chase the woman and teach her a lesson — a grammar lesson, that is. 😂😂😂
Ha, ha! But you are the Yoga Queen and are much more flexible than I am. I tried eating yogurt in the car and at least when that went everywhere I didn’t suffer any 3rd degree burns! Meanwhile, I’m putting you on speed dial in case I spot the grammar outlaw again. You can hold her down and pelt her with gerunds while I eat my oatmeal! 🙂
What a horrific experience, Lee! And I’m not talking about the reckless driving. She is lucky she didn’t get arrested for her grammatical offenses. Not everyone is as attentive to the English language as you and I are, right? That is right, isn’t it? You and I? Let me check this out with my grammarly app and I’ll get back to you. Meanwhile, if it’s wrong I’ll expect you to delete this comment. 🙂
Me like you much and that all that matter! It was a horrifying experience. My ears are still bleeding a bit.;-)
As my father used to say: Best to keep your mouth closed and be thought a fool, than to open it and remove all doubt.
Unfortunately her actions spoke just as loud as her choice of vocabulary.
Ha ha! I think that always good advice–and I’ve blown it a few times myself! Thanks so much for stopping by, Diane!
I encountered a driver entering the drive through from the opposite direction – We locked eyes and I mouthed that he was going the wrong way. He just shrugged. My car is quite small so I was able to manoeuvre around him in the end as he refused to budge. You do get some idiots! LOL! My boys relish their Mcbreakfast once a month on the Saturday when they visit the barbers! 😊
Lee, So funny. I’m the same way about bad grammar. It drives me nuts, as does bad spelling! On Facebook people say “they’re” when they mean “there” and “threw” when they mean “through.” Want to tear my hair out. Great story.
Yes, Laurie. Especially when those mistakes are blocked out in those Hot Pink squares so everyone will notice.
Yes! It would be like my wearing hot pink bike shorts in public–just announcing the hideousness!
I know!! The one that’s killing me these days is that people don’t know the difference between every day and everyday. On NEW SITES!!!
This made me laugh!! Thanks Lee 😊
Be sure to keep your wits about you if you give in to a McD’s French fry craving!
Haha! On the basis of her behaviour, I feel like drunk driving could probably be added to her list of crimes here!
I think DWI can mean Driving While Intoxicated OR Driving While Insane!
I think my favorite of your posts, for both your post AND the commentary it engendered!!
Seriously, pronoun misuse in the drive-thru lane is over the line for me! 😉
That’s it, no more fast food for me. Who needs Weight Watchers? 😉 Great post!
If you give in, all I can tell you is watch out for the McDonald’s Maniac! She’s merciless! 🙂
Are you telling me you only wanted french fries once a month?
Okay, what I’m telling you is I wanted them every day, but only gave in to my PMS meal once a month. The menu was always the same (and pretty gross, but it’s what I NEEDED, dammit!). One McD’s cheeseburger, ketchup only, fries with tons of salt and ketchup, a medium diet Coke and peanut M&Ms. It was worth having cramps for that!
As a certified member of the Grammar PD, I applaud your willingness to stand up for good grammar. 🙂
Our job is so thankless, Ellen, but we must persevere! 😉 Glad to serve on the force with you.