I am about one month away from my grandmother midterm test, and I don’t mind telling you I am a little nervous. In January I had to study harder than an insurance adjuster before a personality test to pass the entrance exam. Back then I prepared to keep my two-month-old granddaughter by myself for a few days by poring over operating manuals until I was bleary-eyed, trying to master all the high-tech baby gizmos that have become de rigueur these days. From video monitoring systems more sophisticated than NASA’s to car seats-cum-strollers, equipped with enough levers to control the output of the Hoover Dam, it was all pretty intimidating for this low-tech grandma.
Good grief, back in the dark ages of the early 1980s, I had a wind-up swing, a bath sponge and an umbrella stroller for my infant daughter and thought myself well outfitted. Not so nowadays. Of course, nowadays, gender reveal parties, extravagant PBV’s (Pre-Birth Vacations), and push presents are also the over-the-top norm. The closest I got to a push present in 1982 was the wad of tissues a nurse handed me when I thought I might lose control of my bowels during labor. But, you know, at least I’m not bitter.
Before my daughter left the baby with me in January, she put me through my paces, and, good student that I am, I passed with flying colors. I juggled Boppies and binkies, buckled and unbuckled safety harnesses and seat belts, and converted the car seat into a stroller and back into a car seat again. I even debated the benefits of the Baby K’tan versus the Baby Bjorn. All without missing a beat.
And, not to brag, but after a mere seventeen straight hours of research on the internet, I picked out and purchased–without my daughter’s supervision–not only a Pack ’n’ Play with Reversible Napper and Changer Bassinet, but also a Papasan Cradle Swing with floating butterfly mobile, light show, and soothing music. Yeah, drop the mic, baby. The Fisher-Price mic, that is.
But now I’m nervous that such pride goeth before a fall as the grandmother midterm loometh on the horizon. Of course, I am tickled baby-girl pink to be keeping my granddaughter for two weeks in July, but everything I learned in January is useless because all that infant equipment is pretty much obsolete for her at eight months. Now it’s all about Bumbo seats, ExerSaucers and GoPods. And, of course, the car seat has completely different settings now. Oh, dear, can an old dog like me learn even more new tricks?
I have a stack of owner’s manuals, complete with schematics, color illustrations, and customer reviews, piled high on my bedside table. I keep telling myself I can do this, I must do this, it’s for the baby. But, to be perfectly honest, I’m exhausted just thinking about it. If I could find an adult-sized Rock ‘n’ Play somewhere, I’d curl up in its extra-deep and cozy seat right now and let its hands-free, soothing rocking motion and twelve calming melodies lull me into heavenly, high-tech slumber. Zzzzzzz.
It’s amazing the amount of technology that is needed to raise a baby now. We grew up without seatbelts, never mind car seats.
I know! Think about the back of station wagons when we were kids, aaaaggghhh! Thank goodness we did have car seats and bike helmets when my daughter was growing up, but that was about the extent of it! 😉
I have to catch myself now, because though I have many of the technological accessories that come with baby, I still get infuriated when something has not been developed yet. My daughter has those febrile seizures (she’s that special child that doesn’t just have one occurrence but instead EVERY TIME she comes down with a fever AS SOON AS she comes down with a fever). Once I was fortunate enough to catch her choking on her own tongue at 3 in the morning. Why with all these fancy cameras is there not an affordable and dependable thermometer alarm for toddlers?
That’s okay…I choose life over sleep until that day.
How terrifying for you, Jess! Yes, you would think there could be some kind of alarm with all the technology we have today! And, I really do like the video monitor system my daughter has. In the old days, i was the worry wart/overprotective mother who had to keep physically checking on the baby every five minutes when she was sleeping! Kisses to your sweet girl!.
This is a post that could only come from you, with that LG point of view! I can’t wait to read the post about putting it all together and then, of course, USING it! That baby, though, cutie pie!
Let me tell you, regular old no-name high chairs are soooo passé. It’s all about the Bumbo seats now. Caring for the actual baby is a breeze; dealing with the accoutrements is daunting! But, she is the sweetest little pea! Thanks, Carol! XO
After listening to you on the radio show last week, I can now hear your voice reading this post and it made it even more funny! You always make such astute observations of life while making me giggle. I think any baby would be extra lucky to have you as their grandma.
You are too sweet! I swear we could keep tabs on a mission to Mars with the video baby monitor my daughter has!;-) I was a very (over)protective and cautious mamma back in the day, but I had no idea the techno gizmos that were on the way. Thank goodness, we at least had decent car seats and bike helmets back then! Baby Nora is the light of my life!
Hilarious! I’m a first time Gigi, too. My grandson will be 2 months old next week. And geez! So. Many. Gadgets. And my how things have changed!!
Loved this. It made me laugh.
Congratulations, Vikki! Isn’t it just the absolute best? It’s just like everyone says it will be–you are over-the-top, completely and stupidly in love with this little person. <3 I hate that mine is so far away--I'm in Atlanta and she's in Boston, but I have made several trips already and I stayed up there for five weeks when my daughter first went back to work. It was heavenly. But, oh, gosh, these gadgets nowadays go so far beyond the car seats and play pens we had! Thanks for stopping by!
Lea, Your essays are always so charming. If anyone can pass this midterm with flying colors, its you! I’m sure your daughter will grade according to how much love you give everyone. That will be a sure A. Technical knowledge will come with time. Loved this.
I’m on a study break right now, Laurie! 😉 You are so sweet. I can’t wait to see that little monkey in eight days. I just texted the kids now and asked them to send a few new pics–man, they just hog that child like she’s all theirs or something.
Wow. Do they make playpens any more or is that considered to inhibitive? 😀
I’m cracking up at your comment because I was corrected to now call them play yards! And, apparently, no one says port-a-crib anymore either, according tot he sales clerk at Babies R Us. So much to relearn. 😉 It’s hard for to keep up at my age!
Hi Lee I know what you mean. When my daughter was pregnant there was even an app for labour to time your contractions and then a breast feeding app!!! So much has changed in the 36 years since I had her it was like being a new mum again instead of a new Nan. Shared your post on my Sizzling Towards 60 & Beyond Facebook page and other social media. Enjoy your darling granddaughter.
Thanks so much for sharing, Sue! My daughter’s breast pump blew me away–with all that tubing, it looks like a mad scientist’s portable lab, but works so nicely, I must admit. In my day, I never pumped my milk because the only things we had looked like a cross between a bellows and an air horn! Progress can be good! 😉
Never heard of a “push present” – all I got when I was in labour with Jack nearly 12 years ago was a sick bowl as I kept having bouts of nausea! 😳 The pregnant ladies in my village nowadays seem to have extravagant “baby showers” (parties) – not when I was preggers. So, Lee, it’s no good keeping my umbrella stroller for the time when my grandchildren come along then??
I think it’s like Sharon said above–the kids now think the umbrella stroller is just a toy transport! But surely they do still use those for travel trips when the kids are a bit older, right? I think you and I each deserve a delayed push present!
I feel your pain, and joy! I watch my little grandsons – aged 4 and 2 – one or two days a week. It’s a whirlwind of activity! And the most challenging things are the latches on high chairs, car seats, double Bob stroller, shopping carts! Nana’s hands with arthritis have difficulty depressing the buttons and pulling the straps at the same time! Geesh! You will have so much fun with your little darling! Be sure to do lots of slow activities like reading, snacking, sitting on the floor playing…Oh, yeah, I had an umbrella stroller, but the kids thought it was transport for toys! Their strollers are much larger and comfy!
I t’s a rude awakening for me to see how much strength my hands have lost when I try to latch and unlatch all these things! But, so many nice improvements from “our” days. And the best parts of having a baby haven’t changed–cheeks are still chubby and just ripe for kissing! And I even nibble a few little piggies from time to time! 🙂
Love this! So much stress, and joy, being Nana!
Yes, it is so much fun, Sharon. It is the best role I’ve ever had! 🙂
I have so many plans for being the best grandmother ever, LOL! My oldest son is getting married next month and I’m vowing not to pressure him at ALL, promise!!! 🙂
I know–you can hope silently that when the time is right, a grandbaby will come! It’s hard to pretend that you don’t want that!
Yep it is all very confusing! Nevermind the technology, child gates have proved far more effective for containing my mother than for containing the kids. They were also very good at preventing my realtor from getting on the stairs!
It all reminds me of when I learned to text–it took me so long to answer my daughter’s message that she finally called me and said, “Mom, you are pathetic!”
I remember visiting my best friend with my mom after she had her baby. My mom looked at all the baby stuff and said I dont know how we even survived raising babies without all of this. She said this as sarcastically as possible. LOL!
it is an amazing array of devices these days! Of course, my mom probably thought the same of me and my generation! And I have to admit, I like a lot of the new stuff–once I’ve studied the manuals, of course. 😉
It was such fun to meet you, Lee, at the recent National Society of Newspaper Columnists conference. Old friends, now. Old friends. And congratulations again on your well-deserved NSNC columns contest award for The Bounce Back Blog.
And speaking of grandchildren and gadgets, as I wasn’t but you were, Denise and I bought our first child car seat a few years back after the birth of our granddaughter. I’m not particularly dexterous. My fingers are more balloon animals than tools. So I installed it with little confidence. Fortunately the local police department offers to check installations.
Two officers scrutinized and approved my work, but ever security conscious, they wanted to tighten the fastening. This ended after 20 minutes with two cops heavily leaning their combined weight on the car seat, grunting, pulling, tightening, and, most professionally, not swearing, until one said, “Well, I think that’s right.”
They did a great job, but I think they would have preferred chasing down an armed bank robber.
Just bought your book, “My Pineapples Went to Houston” and can’t wait to read!
Back at ya for how delighted I am to have met you and Denise–and Budleigh and Brisby by proxy of your hilarious blog. Congrats to YOU on your #1 win. That must have been some sight with the cops. I’ll bet you could drive right past them the next time with a broken tail light and they’d turn the other way to avoid another car-seat inspection. When I left Manchester, I went to Boston to see the baby and, yes, was confronted with a NEW seat that attaches to the stroller, with totally NEW hitches and cinches and, dear God, I’m just gonna carry the child in my arms until she can walk!
It’s like becoming a parent all over again in a different era. I had a similar pack n play/bassinet dohicky, my baby girl loved it!
And just when I’ve mastered one age’s doohickeys, the dang kid gets older!