In our often cold and impersonal modern world, you would think a business that boasts of delivering its services with “a personal touch” would be something to celebrate.
Yes, you would think that. And you would be dead wrong in this instance. Believe it or not, the personal touch can really screw things up. The week before Mother’s Day I started scouring the worldwide web for an appropriate mother-to-be present for my daughter. The choices ran the gamut from a $4,000 bracelet with the word “Baby” spelled out in diamonds to an $8.99 t-shirt with an airbrushed “Baby” above a big arrow pointing south. Neither of those seemed a good fit—the former for my wallet, the latter for my sense of decorum.
I was about to give up when I came across a tasteful, moderately priced “milestone” necklace, a jewelry term I’d actually never heard of until that very moment, perhaps because most of the milestones I’ve reached haven’t quite warranted jewelry. (Do they make Pandora charms for “first gray eyebrow hair” or “impressive back fat”?)
The milestone necklace consisted of a sterling silver chain and bar pendant, set with a single birthstone. “Minimalist style meets the unique personality and beauty of birthstones,” read the description. Perfect, I thought, and I clicked to select the chain and one pendant with an October birthstone. And that’s when the personal touch overkill began. Every time I clicked “add to cart,” a pop-up “click to personalize” button prevented me from adding the necklace to my cart. I didn’t want to personalize the pendant because the baby has not been born yet and she doesn’t have a name. I was already taking a chance on the birthstone because back in 1982, this baby’s mamma was supposed to come in March and she waited until April 7th to make her debut.
After several unsuccessful attempts to “proceed to check out,” I called the customer service number, whereupon I was directed to read this line in the product description:
Each pendant can be engraved with a name or message, up to ten characters on each side.
Me: Yes, that’s a lovely idea, but I don’t actually want to personalize it now.
Rep: Ma’am, the personalizing is free.
Me: Yes, that’s wonderful, but the baby hasn’t been born and I have no idea what the name will be. I just want to buy the necklace without adding a name.
Rep: You don’t want to personalize it?
Me: Correct, I don’t want to personalize it.
Rep: Do you understand you cannot buy it now and send it back later to have it personalized?
Me: Oh, yes, of course. After the baby is born, I’ll have the necklace engraved somewhere.
Rep: But if you personalize it now, it is free. Do you understand we do not charge extra for personalizing the necklace?
Me: Yes, but do you understand that I don’t know what the baby’s name is? (Trying to keep my sense of humor) Hey, if I choose a name and put it on the necklace, will the parents be obligated to call the baby that after she’s born?
Rep: (Dead serious and redirecting my attention back to the “the line.”) Ma’am, it clearly states in the description that each pendant can be engraved with a name or message, up to ten characters on each side. Do you understand what that means?
Me: Yes, it means can be engraved, not must be engraved. Can is ability, must is requirement. (Was I really going to have to teach a grammar lesson on modals to get this damned necklace?)
Rep: If you don’t want to personalize it, then we cannot sell you this piece.
Me: Are you kidding me? I just want the necklace, plain, nothing engraved on it. That’s less work for your people—why can’t I buy it?
Rep: We only sell personalized items. That’s why there is a “personalize” button on our website.
Me: Surely you can bypass that option on your end?
Rep: (Aghast) Oh, no, ma’am! It’s not possible to bypass the system. The system is the system. And the description clearly states items can be engraved.
Me: (My head in my hands) Again with the “can.” Oh, dear God, our civilization is doomed. Good-bye.
Further calls to supervisors and managers yielded the same result. I was about to grab an ice pick to jam into my eye when I decided to search the interwebs one more time instead. Lo and behold, I found the exact same necklace for a little higher price on another site. And, I was able to decline the personalizing option on this site! Oh, happy day, I thought…until I realized that declining to personalize added almost $100 to the total! With the death knell of intelligent life tolling loudly in the background, I returned to the original website, clicked “personalize” and entered my message. I toyed with typing in “Welcome to this insane, screwed up world where idiots who don’t know what modals are or what they mean are allowed access to technology and software programs that they cannot properly manage. Get used to it, kid. Love, Nonna.”
But that seemed like a rather harsh greeting for a newborn and my first grandchild to boot. Besides, it was way over the ten-character limit. So I settled for a lame “Baby Girl” and explained to my daughter that I would replace the pendant with a personalized one after the baby arrived.
In the meantime, I can think of a personalized message or two for those customer service people, but since I’m about to be a grandmother, perhaps I’d better tone it down a little. I’ll just leave it at a simple “Kiss my modal!” and bypass what I’m really thinking!
How ludicrous that it cost you more NOT to personalise. We do indeed live in a screwed up world. But thanks for the post, it gave me a good giggle.
I know! I felt like I had gone through the looking glass with Alice into some bizarre upside down world. And I still have to buy another pendant after the baby is born and has a real name! Thanks so much for stopping by.
That is the most insane experience. I like to say you can’t fix dumb, but this is beyond!
After three of these conversations, you start to think YOU are the crazy one! 🙂 Thanks for stopping by, Jennifer.
Perfect example of mindless cubicle dwellers. They aren’t paid to think!
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It was so nutty! I’ll have a story to tell my granddaughter someday!
Perhaps you should have asked for the necklace to be personalized by an empty space.
Yes! Why didn’t I think of that? After all, it was advertised as a minimalist piece! 🙂
Oh my goodness, how frustrating!
And mindblowing–you will personalize and you will like it! 🙂
I wonder how many sales this company has lost. Too bad you had to end up doing business with them after all – they deserved a lost sale. I easily can see how someone would not want to personalize such an item, if it was purchased before a baby was born. To me, it makes no sense whatsoever to insist on personalization – whatever happened to “the customer is always right?” My tweeting and sharing on Facebook was done as a heads up to businessowners I know.
That’s exactly what I was thinking! I guess people only go that site when they are specifically looking for an item that can be personalized, but, geez, it’s overkill!
Yikes. Common sense is a super power these days isn’t it?
Ha! Yes, and it seems to be in short supply! What a runaround it was.
I would have printed a photo of it and given her that until Baby is born, and then have it personalized. I mean, what an experience!
Oh, man, I wish I’d thought of that! I guess I was so stunned that it never occurred to me. See, this is why I need you! 🙂
That was such a weird reaction. I wondered if the whole thing might be some kind of ploy to build a database of babies for future personalized advertising campaigns (aimed at their parents and grandparents of course).
“Dear Mrs. Smith. We notice little Tasha is now nearing her first full year of life. How better to celebrate than with this lovingly hand-crafted…”
It seems ridiculous, but frankly these days nothing would surprise me.
You are so right–nothing surprises me anymore either. Wouldn’t that be an evil genius marketing tactic?! The world is indeed a strange and confusing place these days! 😉 Thanks for stopping by.
Haha – hilarious (though less when it’s happening to you)! In a law firm I worked in years ago, a lady in our wills and probate department was engaged in a long running battle with customer service at a phone company. She wanted to close and settle the account for the deceased client’s phone line. They wanted to know the password. No one knew the password. On a pretty much daily basis she was doing this:
‘No, I know you want a password, but no one knows what her password was.’
‘Then you’re going to need to ask the account holder.’
‘She’s dead.’
‘Yes, but she needs to give you her password if she wants you to deal with this for her.’
‘ ‘
‘Or she could call us herself.’
‘She’s dead.’
‘There is also an overdue payment on this account.’
‘Yes, we’re trying to pay it.’
‘We need the password.’
‘We don’t have it. We have a death certificate.’
‘We need a password. We’re going to have to cut off the line if the payment isn’t made.’
‘Good. We want the line cutting off.’
‘Yes, but she’s going to be left with no phone line if she doesn’t make this payment.’
‘She really doesn’t need one.’
‘The payment must be made.’
‘We have it here.’
‘We just need the password.’
‘ ‘
‘We are going to be forced to cut off the line.’
‘That is all we want you to do! We have been trying to get you to cut off the line for 3 months. You keep threatening to cut off the line, but never cut off the line. CUT OFF THE LINE! CUT OFF THE LINE! CUT OFF THE DAMN LINE!’
Those conversations used to make my work day!
OMG, I am howling! Better than any comedy sketch script I could write! Don’t they hear themselves??? My friend called her insurance carrier to ask for a new dentist because hers had died and they kept asking her what her reason was for wanting a new dentist and had she had an unsatisfactory experience with the original dentist or a bad outcome. Yes, he DIED!! Isn’t that a pretty bad outcome? You always make me laugh, Lucy!
OMG! This is beyond ridiculous! I had a similar ordeal while in my coma. My husband tried to withdraw me from classes but they wouldn’t so I owe for 18 credit hours because they wouldn’t accept any documentation. I even filed an appeal to the Dean. They said I didn’t follow the proper protocol !!
It was soo maddening! I can’t believe you were in a coma, how scary! Sorry, coma is no excuse for not attending class, OMG!! I’m glad you are okay now!
I can’t seem to form an intelligent response to this post. All I can do is shake my head and reach for the ice pick! Ha ha! Love it, Lee!
I know! I was pretty much speechless after I hung up, too. And that’s rare! Pass the ice pick!