I’m writing this at 6:15 on All Hallow’s Eve. Very soon princesses, pirates, witches and werewolves will be upon my doorstep. I can’t wait to oooh and aww over each costume, feigning shock and amazement that such exotic creatures have suddenly, inexplicably materialized right here in my sedate suburban cul de sac. Halloween is one of the few times when we are actually encouraged to conceal our true identities. We purposely don disguises and hide behind masks and make-up to mislead others about who we are. On Halloween, we strive to present ourselves to the world as just about anyone but our authentic selves.
That certainly flies in the face of the prevailing wisdom about how to achieve success on the other days of the year. In the buzz-wordy parlance of self-help gurus, relationship experts and career strategists, finding genuine fulfillment in life comes down to exactly just that—authenticity. We’re urged to drop our masks, to be our true authentic selves and speak our true authentic message in our true authentic voice. In the quest for the ideal self-image, life partner or client, real is in and fake is out (with eyelashes, boobs and hair color being apparent exceptions).
Now, far be it from me to advocate leading a life of complete hypocrisy, but I think being inauthentic is getting the short shrift here. There have been more times than I can count when being less than genuine has saved everything from my pride to my employment. The judicious use of masks is what makes it possible for us to endure certain people and certain circumstances without leaving a trail of casualties in our wake. Can you really imagine surviving holiday dinners with some of your once-removed-but-unfortunately-grown-back relatives without your fake fascination mask? Or how about listening to a five year old recount her flying monkey dream—and, um, it was like a monkey, but it wasn’t a real monkey, but it still looked like a monkey—without your fake fascination mask? And I know for a fact that I would never have survived my term of indentured servitude—eight years of teaching middle school—without my “it’s-an-absolute-joy-to-have-your-child-in-my-class-despite-the-fact-that-he-chews-with-his-mouth-open-and-once-threw-a-chair-at-me” mask.
So, on this holiday when we celebrate being who we’re not, let’s remember that a little inauthenticity now and then isn’t such a bad thing any time of year. Grab a mask and repeat after me, “You look like you’ve lost weight, I love your new haircut and velour is definitely making a comeback.”
And, of course, I meant almost every word of that.
Happy Inauthentic Halloween!
I spent years being the boy who tells the emperor he has no clothes on, but more recently I am seeing the merit in telling people like him, “Nice outfit.” I pick my battles given that I have less energy for drama in midlife. Thanks for illustrating this concept so well with Halloween at the intro and holiday family gatherings towards the end. Perfect!
I know what you mean. It’s kind of like what Carol was talking about in her comments. It’s hard to know how to draw the line between being honest and creating unnecessary friction and drama. I’m like you–I’m too tired to get riled up nowadays unless there is really good cause for it. I think you said it well with “pick your battles.” Thanks so much for stopping by.
This was really food for thought this morning. I do think it is a slippery slope. For example, maybe someone doesn’t look thinner but their skin looks amazing. Their shoes are cute. Or some other honest comment that is kind, maybe they just said something thoughtful. I find it hard to be inauthentic.
Oh, I agree, Carol. I was really using “inauthentic” in a more facetious than serious way. I certainly don’t want to be insincere or compromise my integrity in important matters. I was really thinking more about how we sometimes have to “play nice” and do things we’d rather not because it’s important to people we care about. I HATED sitting through my daughter’s 5-hour swim meets–where she actually swam for about 6.5 minutes!–but I slapped on my supportive mother mask and ate peanut M&Ms. 😉
Hi – I loved this post. So true in every way. And I’m so sorry for your loss.
Thanks, Janie. I first started thinking about this in a simply lighthearted way, but last week I felt the truth underneath it when I had to teach–and celebrate level completions for students at a luncheon–the day after my sister died. I teach Adult ESL classes and having “the teacher” attend their luncheon and cheer them is such a big deal for them that I couldn’t bring myself to disappoint them. So for two hours, I masked my sorrow and celebrated their success. They were so grateful and I think it helped me too.
Yes we all wear masks from time to time and some of us are better than others. I am not a good one. You mean Velour is out?
I know, I’m not the best at hiding my emotions. I certainly don’t mean I want to compromise my integrity in serious matters, but I usually don my mask in situations where I feel a responsibility to others. If i’m having a horrible day, I try to smile and not let it spill onto everyone else. PS Not only do I still like velour, I can’t understand why fanny packs came to be so reviled. I thought they were a great invention and have two in my closet, just waiting for a comeback!
Loved this Lee! There are times that you have to put on a mask or World War 3 would break out. As a caregiver I have to wear a mask of a serene happily stress-free Rena every single day.
Exactly, Rena! Working with the the public really requires that happy mask! 😉 Thanks for stopping by.
Love your line “The judicious use of masks is what makes it possible for us to endure certain people and certain circumstances without leaving a trail of casualties in our wake.” So true–but I must admit that with every passing year, my ability (or desire) to don a mask shrinks which, in turn, seems to eliminate some the circumstances (and people) in my life that once prompted me to fake it. And that’s a good thing!
Isn’t that the truth? I would definitely not put myself through the contortions to please others that I did when I was younger. And, yes, indeed, that’s a good thing! Thanks for stopping by!
This is so great Lee.
How true it is! The one thing that worries me sometimes is that my mask grows thinner as I get older. Tolerance seems to be waning with time.
After any family get together, I now check with my husband: “I wasn’t too edgy with ‘Uncle George’, was I?”
Oh, and teaching as “term of indentured servitude” — that’s awesome!
Thank you.
Thanks, T.O.! Yes, the thinning of the mask is an issue, isn’t it? That’s one reason I knew I had to leave the middle school classroom–I was getting dangerously close to saying what I really thought, which would not have been good for future letters of reference! Well, we’ll all get some good practice in masking during the upcoming holidays, I imagine.;-) Thanks for stopping by!
Quite the different perspective. Absolutely intrigues me. I get the inauthentic mindset. I think so many of us say things that might not ring 100% true – but we try to be authentic when doing so. 🙂
Now I definitely don’t recommend striving to live an inauthentic life 😉 but sometimes we have to slap on a mask just to get ourselves through a tough time or a situation that is beyond our control. I often have to get out my “I can do this” mask when inside I’m terrified of taking the next step! Thanks for stopping by, Andrea. I love the the name of our blog!
Agree, and I think the key is being really clear with yourself when you are doing it. It’s when you are constantly “not you” and don’t even know what “you” feels like that it’s a problem. I worked on that for years, getting my inside and my outside to match.
Oh, yes, Stephanie–know that you’re just doing what you have to to get through something, but not selling your soul. For many years, I was kind of the opposite of what you’re saying in that I misinterpreted being authentic as meaning I had to tell everyone everything about myself, my thoughts, my dreams, my fears, etc. or I was being insincere. It took me a long time to learn that we can have different levels of intimacy with different people and that doesn’t mean we are not being genuine. I am much better at being circumspect now.
I am all about living authentically, but this was a gem of truthful fun. Loved it!
Thanks, Maura! Yes, just having a little fun with it–my tongue firmly planted in my cheek–as far as actually being serious about the value of living an “inauthentic” life. 🙂 I think knowing who we are and finding the courage to live it out is the most important charge we have. Sometimes, though, we do outwardly grin and bear our way through situations when we feel differently on the inside. I don’t think that means we’re inauthentic or dishonest. I think it means we’re adults–and that we can manage our attitudes and emotions when necessary. Thanks so much for stopping by!
So true that society’s motor runs smoothly on artificial oil. Perhaps that is why it is so refreshing when authenticity breaks up the monotony. Like when a little child speaks her mind. Or a mid-life woman whose editor is wearing out states her truth. I’m grateful for all the times people have spared me by wearing their masks. And likewise I am a better person for the times when they took them off and in so doing doffed pretenses. Great piece Lee!
I hear you on both counts, Molly! I say we should strive for mainly truth with a sprinkling of polite/charitable omissions now and then. Hey, btw, I took off my “I-really-don’t-care-for-chocolate” mask last night. I made it the 31 days of October. Now I’m wearing my “I-choose-to-only-eat-five-peanut-M&Ms-per-day mask.” It’s feeling a little tight! 😉
Sometimes honesty is not always the best policy…it would be if we lived in a world where no one got offended, ever. I love my sunglassses, I wear them all the time when I am out driving, shopping, etc., so I can roll my eyes without anyone knowing; is my silent, “Good Grief!!!!” 🙂
Exactly! I’m certainly not seriously advocating for inauthenticity, but sometimes, when the issues aren’t critical or it’s the aunt you see only once a year,, a little “smile mask” and biting of the tongue is the the wisest route. I love your eye roll behind the shades! Thanks so much for stopping by–sincerely! 🙂
As I grow older, I struggle to keep up pretences or do the socially ‘nice’ thing. I do get your point, that we must sometimes look at things from the other person’s needs rather than our own.
I meant most of this tongue in cheek 😉 but lately I have realized that having the ability to “fake it” when you have to is a good thing. No matter how sad, angry or frustrated we feel, most of us still have to show up for life and “perform” at work. I’ve been almost paralyzed by grief since my sister passed away, but I still have to teach every day and give the students what they need from me. Like you said, I have to think of the situation from their perspective. They are paying to learn English, not to watch me sit in the corner and cry! 😉 And sometimes, it actually helps me to get out of that grieving mode even for a little while. Thanks for stopping by, Corinne!
Completely agree! Very few people truly never present a fake front to people. &, interestingly, those few rare people who it can be said never do, tend to actually be viewed as fitting in with society less well. The reality is that, not only do most of us do it, but it is actually also expected that people will play the part when required. Not to do so is often viewed as tactless, lacking social skills, lacking professionalism – we expect people to fulfill the role required of them, however authentic or otherwise that may be.
And it’s handy to be able to plaster a smile on your face in front of your boss now and then when work is the last place you want to be!
Funnily enough, I actually read a study about this a few weeks ago. It was saying that people who ‘are always themselves’, always say exactly what they think, etc, perform less well in pretty much every area of life than people who adjust themselves to fit the situation, wear masks, and don’t say exactly what they think. The one area where the always ‘themselves’ people sometimes did better was sustaining romantic relationships, but a degree of adaptability about who you are in different situations helps in most areas of life, according to experts.
Holy cow, I didn’t even do any formal research, just had to pretend I liked my job to keep eating. 😉 I know you are well-trained in listening to toddlers recall their never-ending dreams or made-up stories, so it’s good to know this skill will serve you well in other areas!
What??? I’m not supposed to actually like everyone I associate with? Phew! Let me adjust my smile now so that I go out and greet some people.
I know, it’s such a great concept! 😉 You can slap that smile on in a staff meeting, a lunch with your in-laws or a 4th-grade recital and fool them all! LOL! Now, go forth in inauthenticity!