When my daughter was four years old, I got a call from her preschool teacher one morning, asking if I could come to the school right then. The teacher assured me that my child was fine, but emphasized that it would be very helpful if I could come as soon as possible. Of course, I did. I arrived at the school and peered through the window of my daughter’s classroom door to see the entire class engaged in scribbling down the alphabet, with varying degrees of accuracy, in crayon on construction paper. The entire class, that is, except my daughter, who sat motionless before a blank sheet of construction paper, her fingers tightly clamped around a fat orange crayon. She was intently focused on the blank sheet of paper in front of her, as if mentally willing the letters to appear on it.
When the teacher saw my face through the window, she unobtrusively slipped out into the hall to meet me. She quickly explained that my daughter had already gone through three sheets of construction paper because the instant she made a “mistake,”—say, an “o” that was ever so slightly less than a perfect 360-degree circle—she would become so distressed that she would tear up the paper and throw it out. She had finally become distraught to the point of paralysis, unable to put crayon to paper for fear of producing any result short of absolute perfection. My heart just ached for my baby. At the tender age of four, she did not understand that success is built on the shoulders of failure. She did the only thing that she knew to do to stop the mistakes—she stopped trying.
How many of us—who are a little past the age of four and should know better—fall into the same trap? We let our compulsion for a “perfect” future hold us captive to a less-than-satisfying present. While we wait for the perfect time or the perfect idea or the perfect place to make a move forward, time and life pass us by. By not taking action we ensure that our papers are free of mistakes—but that’s because they are free of ANYTHING. Our papers are blank; we’ve got nothing. We may justify our inaction with explanations about not being willing to compromise our high standards, but many times I believe we’re just blowing smoke to camouflage the real reason we do not take action—we are afraid. Waiting for perfection is just a way of avoiding moving forward.
When I catch myself falling into this pattern, I repeat this little mantra I made up: “It doesn’t have to be perfect, but it does have to be.” Ideas only come into being by our doing. They become reality when we take action—even if it’s an imperfect action. In a world where many standards have fallen to ground level and barely mediocre routinely passes for excellent, I hesitate to advocate not always doing our best, but sometimes we just have to make a move. Making a move with a pretty good effort will eventually lead to our best effort. Once we start, we can revise and adjust as we learn. Yes, we will make mistakes—that’s a given—but mistakes are the guideposts on our journey toward our ultimate goal. The lessons we learn by doing something wrong the first time are what enable us to do it right or at least closer to right the next.
So, by all means, first think, plan, and consider, but then step out, take a chance, make a move. And then keep doing it—better, faster, smarter—until you get where you want to be. I can’t tell you when you will get there, but I can definitely tell you that if you don’t start somewhere, you will NEVER get to where you want to be
What is your excuse for not stepping out and making your move?
Lee,
So I want to know how you helped your daughter?
You do have such a way with words and stories. I also suppose it matters which side of the glass a person feels they are on?
I felt for your daughter. When I was young, it seemed for a while that when I walked into a room, a picture would fall off the wall or a lamp would topple over or something else would crash and I would throw up my arms and say out loud, “I didn’t do it!”
I got labeled as clumsy. Still have the scars.
Thank you for the reminder that the child can outgrow their fears and press on!
Thanks for sharing your experience, Jerry. Labels can be so hurtful and limiting, not to mention hard to outgrow. Most of us are among the walking wounded. As for helping my daughter, it was just lots of reassurance and patience as well as recognizing and building on her successes. She certainly got over her most severe fears of failure, but even today, as a very successful 32 year old, she would tell you she over-worries about her performance. No one else would ever suspect that, but inside she feels it.
Our son and your daughter must have been cut from the same clothe. When his 3rd grade teacher told me he wasn’t turning in his homework, I told her what might be going on. Sure enough, we found his work waded up as trash. When he got to a question he wasn’t sure about, he’d tear up all the answers he had previously answered correctly. I have to admit that I feel that way many times too! Great post.
Thanks, Debbie. I still struggle with this too! Even when a situation has been wrested from my hands, I ruminate and nurse my dissatisfaction and disappointment over what I “should have done” to the point of exhaustion. So, I talk a good game, but I’m thinking maybe the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. 😉